It hasn't even been a week...

I feel devastated, like my life has shifted into this dark oblivion. I never imagined being away from Kevin would be this hard. I thought it would be like years ago with the Marines, get up and go, do your thing, come back home, all is well. *sigh* No, it's been anything but!

Must be pregnancy hormones causing this super sappy emotional thing I have going on, or is it I just love him that much? Well, that's what I am betting on. I do.I love him that much, I would walk to the end of the earth to defend or just embrace him, gaining only a moment with him to make my heart stop aching, for just one moment.... one still, silent moment.

The worst time is the evening, everything is quiet, kids are safely tucked, kissed and hugged away in bed. This is the time usually reserved for just him and I. We cuddle in bed, watch a movie, sneak down for a nibble on something like kids sneaking around the house in search of something "not allowed", taking that slice of pie or scoop of ice cream to share, we can talk for hours, we understand each other so well, we can relate to each other's way of thinking, we can feel everything from each other, I've never had anyone understand me so well. He says I read his mind and I read him so well, I try to be everything to him, I want the world for him. I know he wants that for us, or he wouldn't be out there.... playing Army-man, for us.

I am trying to keep busy, I have cleaned the house so often the kids think I am obsessed. I think I am too cranky, I am insane if things are out of place or get messy. I guess it's me trying to find order in my life right now when things are so out of order. I actually found the energy to drag up the boxes of Christmas decorations. I did a pretty Christmas scene in my window with all my cute fiber optics. I hung the stockings on the mantle, I put the nice Holiday tablecloth on the table and dressed it with candles and a mini tree.

But, there is only so much Christmas I can stand with him being gone, I broke down in the store while looking at pre-lit trees.... This is something Kevin and I do together, we literally did everything together, feeding off each others ideas and making something wonderful out of just a notion. But he's not here. People shopping gayly through the store, giggles and laughter echo as I, alone, look at things to trim our home, I can't do it. I leave, crying. I am sure people stop to look at the nut who has left crying, but if they only knew.... What would they say anyway? I don't think they would have a response, it's like putting a big white elephant out in the middle of the living room. People try to avoid it, they don't want to comment, they just hope it goes away before things get messy.

Life is messy.

I am just "on hold" until he comes home again, busying myself with the kids and the home and trying to maintain some level of sanity and grace. I get up every morning and put my big girl panties on and "deal".

I live for those few text messages and that free time when he can use the cell phone so I can hear his voice. He feels aweful, I usually cry, I can't help it. I am crying now as I type this, I miss him so much. I never thought I could feel this saddened, this hurt, this broken.



Yes, I know, "Snap out of it!" - I'm trying, I assure you, I really am. It's just really hard.Anyhoo, now that I've got you all caught up in this 'lil novel I have going.... I have goals....

I will get out of the house, at least once a week, to shop or something, by myself.

I will call and visit family a lil more, I know I don't go out much or do anything, but it being the Holidays, I will try to do more so time passes a lil better and quicker.

I will reach out and accept support and encouragement and find supportive people.

I will try my very best, to not let this consume me.



*Thanks to everyone that has posted their comments and words of support and encouragement, they mean the world to me, I so appreciate that you all are thinking of us, this truley is, one of the most difficult things to have to do. And I am greatful for all you who are sharing this time with me.*



So, with that said, I am going to try and get a little more Holiday spirit around here.....



I hope everyone is having a blessed holiday season, no matter what or how you celebrate, let it be with people you love and care for and let it be with all the love and joy of the season.

The Approved "Safe" toy list for Christmas 2007

Is this what has become of our toy industry? in light of all the recalls, I started thinking what, exactly, were my choices for this years Christmas shopping....

Wooden toys - as long as there are no screws, nails, pull strings, wheels that pop off or other wooden parts glued to it.-Hell, just buy your kids a nice, non treated, 2 x 4, sand it nice and smooth, round the edges and WATERCOLOR paint it some pretty colors and then wrap it in non-plastic, non-toxic, wrapping paper and throw it under your flame retardant, fake, pre-lit Christmas tree with the saftey approved, auto shut off lights.

Plastic toys - an empty milk jug will have your kids playing for hours!! - remove the label, I'm sure it has ink that will make your kids sprout another head.

Paper - stuff their stockings with some nice coloring books, be mindful that the ink is non hazardous and that the crayons and or colored pencils are non-toxic and hypoallergenic. We wouldn't want Little Johnny to break out in hives when being stabbed with it from his evil sister.

Boxes - go to your local retailer and get some of the boxes that all those lead painted toys came in and wrap em up and let the kids go to town with them, why spend 40 dollars on a toy when you know they play with the wrapping paper and box it came in alot longer than the toy itself! Besides, have you ever tried getting a toy OUT of those boxes? They are stapled, glued and twist-tied to hell and cannot be removed. My Daughter is playing with a Barbie from 3 years ago with half a box attached to her back. We call her Box-bie.

Bicycle - The most favorite of toys! Just strip off any paint as it may be hazardous while you take 3 days to assemble it, put on training wheels, load up your kid with a helmet, boots, knee pads, elbow pads, gloves, mouth guard, shin guards, neck brace, rear-view mirror, air-horn, padded seat, jock-strap for the boys, speed governor, hand and foot brakes and let'er rip! I can just see my little tykes now, they will be the talk of the town with their new spectacular wheels!

Food - Yes, this is a great idea! as long as you get the hormone free, antibiotic-free, pestiside-free, preservative-free, sugar-free....
Forget it, stick to the 2 x 4 with water colors.

I have to say, looks like a trip to Lowes for a few non-treated 2 x 4's and Michael's for some water-colors is in order.

Latest Recalls: http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prerelnov07.html