It hasn't even been a week...

I feel devastated, like my life has shifted into this dark oblivion. I never imagined being away from Kevin would be this hard. I thought it would be like years ago with the Marines, get up and go, do your thing, come back home, all is well. *sigh* No, it's been anything but!

Must be pregnancy hormones causing this super sappy emotional thing I have going on, or is it I just love him that much? Well, that's what I am betting on. I do.I love him that much, I would walk to the end of the earth to defend or just embrace him, gaining only a moment with him to make my heart stop aching, for just one moment.... one still, silent moment.

The worst time is the evening, everything is quiet, kids are safely tucked, kissed and hugged away in bed. This is the time usually reserved for just him and I. We cuddle in bed, watch a movie, sneak down for a nibble on something like kids sneaking around the house in search of something "not allowed", taking that slice of pie or scoop of ice cream to share, we can talk for hours, we understand each other so well, we can relate to each other's way of thinking, we can feel everything from each other, I've never had anyone understand me so well. He says I read his mind and I read him so well, I try to be everything to him, I want the world for him. I know he wants that for us, or he wouldn't be out there.... playing Army-man, for us.

I am trying to keep busy, I have cleaned the house so often the kids think I am obsessed. I think I am too cranky, I am insane if things are out of place or get messy. I guess it's me trying to find order in my life right now when things are so out of order. I actually found the energy to drag up the boxes of Christmas decorations. I did a pretty Christmas scene in my window with all my cute fiber optics. I hung the stockings on the mantle, I put the nice Holiday tablecloth on the table and dressed it with candles and a mini tree.

But, there is only so much Christmas I can stand with him being gone, I broke down in the store while looking at pre-lit trees.... This is something Kevin and I do together, we literally did everything together, feeding off each others ideas and making something wonderful out of just a notion. But he's not here. People shopping gayly through the store, giggles and laughter echo as I, alone, look at things to trim our home, I can't do it. I leave, crying. I am sure people stop to look at the nut who has left crying, but if they only knew.... What would they say anyway? I don't think they would have a response, it's like putting a big white elephant out in the middle of the living room. People try to avoid it, they don't want to comment, they just hope it goes away before things get messy.

Life is messy.

I am just "on hold" until he comes home again, busying myself with the kids and the home and trying to maintain some level of sanity and grace. I get up every morning and put my big girl panties on and "deal".

I live for those few text messages and that free time when he can use the cell phone so I can hear his voice. He feels aweful, I usually cry, I can't help it. I am crying now as I type this, I miss him so much. I never thought I could feel this saddened, this hurt, this broken.



Yes, I know, "Snap out of it!" - I'm trying, I assure you, I really am. It's just really hard.Anyhoo, now that I've got you all caught up in this 'lil novel I have going.... I have goals....

I will get out of the house, at least once a week, to shop or something, by myself.

I will call and visit family a lil more, I know I don't go out much or do anything, but it being the Holidays, I will try to do more so time passes a lil better and quicker.

I will reach out and accept support and encouragement and find supportive people.

I will try my very best, to not let this consume me.



*Thanks to everyone that has posted their comments and words of support and encouragement, they mean the world to me, I so appreciate that you all are thinking of us, this truley is, one of the most difficult things to have to do. And I am greatful for all you who are sharing this time with me.*



So, with that said, I am going to try and get a little more Holiday spirit around here.....



I hope everyone is having a blessed holiday season, no matter what or how you celebrate, let it be with people you love and care for and let it be with all the love and joy of the season.